


Trying my best (it's so hard)

by artsyleo



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Deaf Character, Feels, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:28:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24148966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: All too soon, Callum pulled away from the kiss, turning to look back down the corridor with an embarrassed smile on his face. Ben followed his eyes, only to find Stuart, looking not-too-happy, staring at them. Ben sighed- of course the other big brute of a man would be here to ruin his perfect evening with Callum.-Or- Ben doesn't like Stuart, and he's got a fair enough reason why. Now he just has to tell Callum.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 14
Kudos: 96





	Trying my best (it's so hard)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer - I am not deaf/HoH- all of the references that I make to Ben being deaf in this fic are built up from both research and how eastenders have portrayed Ben's deafness. If this is at all inaccurate, don't hesitate to let me know.
> 
> Also--this was inspired by eastendies on tumblr so go check out their awesome blog!

The square, at this time, was quiet. The sun had long set, leaving the silent pavements lit only by flickering street lamps. There was a sense of peacefulness that hung over it, a feeling that wasn’t a familiar one on the streets of east London- particularly these streets.

What wasn’t unusual, though, was the man currently walking those streets. He was cloaked in a grey hoodie, one that evidently belonged to someone else by the way that it draped over his hands, the hood pulled up high against the cold wind of the night. Yet, there wasn’t a hint of discomfort in the man’s face- there was anticipation, perhaps excitement, in his blue eyes. There was carefully guarded joy in the way he walked towards a small flat on the other side of the square. Because, regardless of how dark or cold the night was, Ben Mitchell knew exactly where he was headed, and exactly who would greet him when he got there.

-

Callum’s flat radiated warmth, from the minute he stepped inside the vicinity. It was like Callum’s kind heart bled all over the house, making such a small, unassuming flat feel so much like a home. For so long, Ben had felt like an impostor to all of that comfort. He’d never really known what a home felt like- his family never really had been a family, and he’d never had the chance as a kid to build himself a home between all of the different places that he’d grown up. Given the chance to be a part of Callum’s life, be a part of something that seemed so perfect to Ben- it felt like he didn’t deserve it. So, he’d spent weeks of his life trying to show that to Callum, how undeserving he was of being privy to all of this, but the other man with his huge heart wouldn’t let Ben pull away from him. Soon, this became a normal routine- Ben would walk to Callum’s flat after work, or Callum would visit him, and they’d spend the evening together.

Ben was buzzed into the flat almost as soon as he stood on the doorstep, which made him smile- Callum was probably watching from the window, the dork. He clambered up the stairs, stripping his coat off as he went, grinning. Callum greeted him when he reached the top, a huge goofy smile on his face.

*Hello handsome*, Callum signed at him, and Ben felt an unfiltered blush climb up his cheeks. When he and Callum had begun learning sign language together, handsome had been one of the first words Callum had insisted on learning, and now signed it to ben on an almost daily basis. In lieu of a response, ben leaned forward and pressed a firm kiss to Callum’s lips, feeling Callum’s warmth seep into Ben’s wind chilled cheeks just from the contact. Kissing Callum was one of his favourite things on cold days like today- he was almost eternally warm, so curling up with him was like curling up with an electric blanket. Damn, that sounded good right about now- unless Callum fancied warming him up in other ways, of course.

All too soon, Callum pulled away from the kiss, turning to look back down the corridor with an embarrassed smile on his face. Ben followed his eyes, only to find Stuart, looking not-too-happy, staring at them. Ben sighed- of course the other big brute of a man would be here to ruin his perfect evening with Callum.

How the two Highway brothers were related, Ben still wasn’t sure. Callum was truly a kind hearted man- with a smile like the first rays of sunlight in the summer, and a heart so pure Ben still wasn’t sure how he’d fallen for a Mitchell. He had this big, goofy quality to him that seemed to make everyone like him at first sight, and he just radiated sweetness. His lanky frame and questionable fashion sense (much better these days, since meeting Ben) only served to make him all the more likeable.

Stuart Highway, however, was the exact opposite. He was a big brute of a man, and looked about as approachable as Phil Mitchell himself (and that was saying something). The two were like night and day from each other. Callum seemed to spend half of his days defending Stuart- Ben put most of that down to the same thing that kept Ben nipping at Phil’s heels constantly. Both him and Callum had their own issues with family, and, as much as Ben hated it, Stuart seemed to be just about the only passable human being in the Highway family, besides Callum. Ben understood that of course- but that didn’t mean he had to like Stuart.

Despite how many times Callum had asked him, he just couldn’t get along with the man. He had kept up his pretence of just disliking Stuart’s annoying manner for so long that he was sure he’d convinced Callum, because he’d never dare to admit the real reason.

He’d never dare to admit that Stuart still scared him. He’d never dare to admit that he’d been terrified of the man since pride. He put up this façade that he was beaten up so often that Stuart’s actions didn’t bother him, but- Ben never usually had to play nice with his attackers. Every time he saw Stuart’s smug little face, he saw the man that had thrown him up against the wall of the vic toilets, calling him disgusting. He saw the man that had stood over his barely-conscious body in the car lot, laying harsh kicks into his chest. He saw the man that threatened his life when he found out about Callum getting kidnapped.

(As much as he hated to admit it, that last one had terrified him- if not being able to hear the world around you wasn’t terrifying enough, having your boyfriend’s maniac brother threaten to kill you when you couldn’t even hear him would certainly do the job.)

So, yeah, Ben wouldn’t hesitate to say that he strongly disliked Stuart.

In the time that Ben had been turned away, Stuart had evidently said something, because when Ben caught his face Stuart just looked at him expectantly, annoyance written across his face. He felt the vibration of Callum’s chest as he spoke back to his brother. Whatever he said obviously worked, because the man just sighed and slumped off further into the flat.

*Sorry*, Callum signed, a small smile on his face. *Dinner?*

The promise of food immediately caught Ben’s attention. “I could never say no to food, babe.”

Callum laughed –fuck, did he miss that sound – and nodded. *Chips? I’ll go?*

“Is Stuart still here?” Ben said, hoping that is voice didn’t betray just how much he really didn’t want to be alone in the house with Stuart. Evidently it did, because Callum let out a sigh.

“He’ll stay in his room, Ben. It’s fine,” Callum said slowly, so that Ben could read the words from his lips. He signed the odd little word, but neither of them were fluent yet.

“Fine, you just hurry back with that dinner, then. I’m starving!” Ben replied. If it sounded as though he wasn’t being honest, Callum didn’t give anything away. He pressed another kiss to Ben’s mouth, before turning back out of the flat.

When Ben hung up his coat and turned back into the living room, it felt like the whole room was closing in on him. This flat, the one that usually felt so homely and welcoming, set Ben’s nerves on edge then, knowing that it was only him and Stuart in the flat. Most of the time, Callum would act as a barrier between them, reminding Stuart to talk clearly and slowly whenever him and Ben absolutely did have to talk. Without that barrier, Ben couldn’t stop imagining Stuart behind him, just waiting for him to relax.

As much as he did hate Stuart, he hated feeling this weak- Callum wanted so badly for him and Stuart to get along, and Ben desperately wanted to play along, for Callum’s sake (the other man had done so much for Ben, he owed him at least this) but he just couldn’t. He was scared of Stuart- that was the truth of it, and he hated himself for it.

Just then, Stuart came lumbering out of his room over to grab a beer from the fridge. Ben didn’t take his eyes off him, waiting for him to retreat again, praying that Callum would just come back soon. Stuart turned round to him then, an expectant look on his face. He started talking again then, but it was all just white noise to Ben, a fierce ringing in his ears, made louder by his tone of voice. He desperately tried not to flinch away when Stuart came to sit across from him. Every time Stuart tried to say something, it was as if he didn’t understand the concept of being deaf didn’t properly compute in his thick head.

“You know I’m not just going to miraculously start hearing you if you speak louder,” Ben growled, fingers coming up to attempt to rub away the headache pounding at his temples. Whatever he said next was even louder, and Ben couldn’t stop himself from flinching away.

“I can’t hear you! I can’t fucking hear you, alright!?” Ben shouted, rising from the sofa. Stuart’s face dropped for a minute, and he said something. He might have been apologising, but all Ben could see was the look on his face- that look of anger that was burnt into his mind from every time Stuart had found him and threatened him.

Screw being strong- he wasn’t dealing with this today. Instead of trying to decipher what Stuart was saying he ran back into Callum’s room, slamming the door with what was probably excessive force behind him. He collapsed onto the bed, but Stuart didn’t let up. He was banging on the door, shouting something unintelligible that just screamed like a siren in Ben’s head, unending.

-

When Callum walked back into the flat, he was expecting one of two things that usually happened when he left to get dinner; either Ben would be sat at the dining table, candles lit, beer at the ready, in true romantic fashion, or he’d be waiting in their bedroom for something else besides dinner. What he didn’t exactly expect to see was Ben nowhere in sight, and Stuart knocking on his bedroom door.

“Stu, what are you doing? Where’s Ben?” Callum asked, slightly incredulous. Stuart turned back to him, looking somewhat guilty.

“Don’t have a go, alright?” Stuart replied. “I may have scared your boyfriend.”

“You may have… for fuck’s sake, Stuart! I leave you two alone for five minutes…” Callum said, exasperated. He pushed past Stuart to open his bedroom door, only to find Ben curled up on the bed. His hands were pressed tightly over his ears almost harshly, fingernails gripping into his head. His whole body was shaking slightly, shaky breaths pushing out of his mouth.

“Callum-“ Stuart started.

“Leave it,” Callum growled, and shut the door.

“Ben?” Callum whispered, in the blind hope that Ben would hear some sort of noise and know it was him. He knew it was naïve, but he desperately didn’t want to startle him.

“Please just- stop,” Ben muttered quietly. He sounded so vulnerable and it broke Callum’s heart- Ben didn’t do vulnerable, unless he absolutely had to. Callum walked around to the other side of the bed so that he was in front of Ben’s face, and rested his hand on the duvet just in front of him. He patted the bed, praying that the movement would get Ben’s attention. After a moment, Ben’s eyes flickered open to land on Callum’s face. His eyes were watery and scared, and more vulnerable than Callum thought he’d ever seen them. Callum moved his hand to run gently through Ben’s hair, knowing that Ben found the gesture soothing. Slowly, Ben shifted over on the bed to allow Callum to lie next to him, and curled across him as soon as Callum lay down. Carefully, Callum lay his own hands over Ben’s ears, easing the tension in his fingers and prying them away from himself.

For a while, they just lay like that, the tension slowly draining from Ben as he lay on Callum’s chest. Callum could only guess what had happened, but it was fairly clear- Stuart had already been in a foul mood when he’d got home, and Ben and Stuart didn’t get along at the best of times. He’d have to lay into Stuart about being careful around Ben later, but for now, he just relaxed, with his boyfriend’s head on his chest.

-

When Ben came around again, it was to the feeling of Callum’s careful fingers pushing through his hair, and his heartbeat thumping against the side of his head. His other hand was resting over his other ear (what used to be his good ear, how ironic) in a gentle pressure, soothing the headache still pounding at his skull. The screaming white noise from earlier had faded to a dull drone in the background, what was now Ben’s constant. Slowly, once he’d gotten a grip of his surroundings, he shifted his head to look up at Callum. The other man shifted to look back at him and smiled carefully.

*Okay?*, Callum signed.

Ben nodded his response. “Sorry. What time is it?”

“11 I think. You still hungry?”

Ben’s stomach growled it’s agreement.

-

*Talk to me,* Callum signed once their reheated chips had been eaten. They’d oved over to the sofa, curled up close to each other, a blanket thrown over them. *Stuart?*

Ben flinched slightly when Callum carefully spelled out the man’s name, unable to stop himself. “I tried, Callum. The man’s insufferable.”

Callum caught Ben’s chin and pulled it around to face him before Ben could turn away. “Did he scare you?”

Ben frowned at that. “Your pig of a brother? Couldn’t scare a fly.”

“Ben,” Callum sighed. “I get that you’re scared about this. I just want to help.”

“Help?” Ben confirmed, and Callum nodded.

“If he’s done something, tell me,” Callum said, stroking a careful finger over Ben’s cheek.

Ben sighed. “It’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid if it’s upset you,” Callum pleaded. It had never been easy to get ben to open up, but this- if Stuart had done something to Ben, Callum would kill him.

“Fine,” Ben replied, an embarrassed blush climbing onto his cheeks. “I just- I can’t stop thinking about pride, alright? When he beat me up last year, and then when he threatened me over you. I can never tell what he’s saying any more.”

Callum frowned, a murderous look on his face.

“I know he’s your brother and all that, but I can’t just forgive and forget. I’m sorry, alright? I really did try.”

“Hey, it’s okay. Ben-“ Callum pulled Ben’s chin to him again. “It’s okay. I’m sorry I didn’t realise. I should have thought about this.”

A small, sheepish smile crept onto Ben’s face. “What did I ever do to deserve you, ay?”

“I’ll talk to him. I won’t leave you alone with him if you don’t want me to, okay? I just want to help,” Callum said, stroking Ben’s cheek carefully. When Ben just nodded with a shy smile, Callum took the other man’s hand and turned it palm up. Slowly, he traced out his short message.

I love you.

He knew the actual sign for it well at this point, it being one of the first things he’d learnt, but he liked to do it this way too, just like the first time he’d done it, when he and Ben had first talked about Ben’s hearing loss. Doing it like this, it conveyed more than just ‘I love you’ to Ben; it said ‘I’m proud of you’, and ‘I’m here for you’, and ‘I appreciate you, just the way you are’.

Ben pressed his lips against Callum’s firmly in response. Callum felt Ben utter a small reply against his lips, and everything was okay again.

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Me? Writing Ben angst? More likely that you'd think.  
> I actually found this one so interesting to write, so I hope you enjoyed! Stay safe x  
> Leo <3 (tumblr - artsy-highway)


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